On Grief and Being Human

 

Believe it or not, the common preconception of a stoic is wrong.  Which works nicely with the fact that stoics challenge people to question their preconceptions.  I have already used the lame joke that stoics are not Vulcans – they do not seek to suppress emotions.  If anything, stoics are incredibly honest about where our emotions come from – and whether that is appropriate. 

One of my cats died on December 24^th, two minutes to midnight.  We saw it coming, he was declining and we were struggling trying to get him to eat and he started seeking the coolness of our bathtub.  We had hoped he could make it through the holidays and allow us to give him a death with dignity.  Instead, he took a turn for the worst, panted, gasped, and died in my wife’s arms.

I will not apologize for writing a post about grieving a cat.  He was a member of my family.

While the Stoics aimed for a state of emotional tranquility (apatheia), they did not advocate for the suppression of all emotions. They recognized that initial feelings of grief are natural human reactions. However, they believed that in order to live a rational and happy life, a wise person would not dwell excessively in these feelings. 

Why is this? 

Stoics believe that emotions are judgments about what is good or bad.  And they try to evaluate this through reason – and frequently, constant analysis by reason.  Grief, in this framework, is seen as stemming from the judgment that something valuable has been lost.  Thus, grieving is human.  However, Stoics would argue that death and loss are outside our control, and thus not something we should emotionally attach ourselves to in a way that causes us suffering.  The focus thus is not on finding grief bad, but on lessening suffering.  Despite their focus on rationality and self-sufficiency, the Stoics also recognized the value of human relationships and community. They would advocate for offering support and sympathy to others in grief, understanding the social aspect of human nature.

How do we lessen our suffering?  We understand that everything external, possessions, relationships, and even our lives is transitory and out of our control.  Loss is natural and stoics try to live their lives in accordance with nature.  But more importantly, stoics try to foster an attitude of gratitude.  Rather than sinking into despair, not a rational response to an external factor, stoics are grateful of the time they had with a loved one.

I am grateful for the time I had with my cat.  I am grateful that for 16 years I was able to provide a good home and I am sad that this time has ended.